I’ve railed against this trend before, but certain ladies don’t seem to be listening, so I’m getting back on my soapbox: aren’t we all tired of seeing girls squished into teeny tiny dresses? They move in herds, clacking down the sidewalk in platform heels so high their feet look like hooves from the front.
I can see how it happens. One girl with fabulous legs wears the shortest dress ever. She turns the lusty heads of boys and girls; her friends secretly hate her. The urge to wear something short tears quickly through the crowd, awakening in everyone a long-buried insecurity. The girls feel the irresistible urge to yank on even shorter dresses, and claw their way to the front of the pack, screaming, “Look at me! LOOK AT ALL MY SKIN! I’VE GOT THE MOST SKIIIIN!!”
The next weekend, they’re all at the club again, eyeing each other jealously, pulling at the hem of their dresses, wishing they could sit without flashing their underpants.
That doesn’t mean every time you see a girl in a short dress she’s having a horribly insecure day. I wear short dresses and young ladies, let me tell you, the crippling insecurity does indeed die down as you get older. Short dresses and skirts can be beautiful as long as you follow the Cardinal Rules of Short. The best way to illustrate the Cardinal Rules of Short is with a slick diagram, but I’m not a designer, and the Husband is busy playing World of Tanks, so instead I’ll dazzle you with one of my drawings:
Shortest dress ever
Consider the four components of the Shortest Dress Ever: cleavage, snug-as-sausage-casing, barely-bum-covering, and heels. There’s really only one Cardinal Rule of Short and that’s the Three Fourths Rule: at any one time, wear a maximum of three of the above four components. For example, if your dress is short, tight, and has a low neckline, wear sandals, ankle boots, or sneakers. If you want to wear heels with a short skirt and a top with a low neckline, wear a skating skirt that has a high, defined waist but a full skirt. You get the idea.
There is though, something so sexy and confident about covering up, and to help you on your journey to resist the urge to follow the pack, here’s some inspiration to go long, or loose, or to just have a different silhouette from Kelly Kapowski circa Saved by the Bell.
If there are Cardinal Rules of Short, there must be Cardinal Rules of Long.
Pick your favourite feature and feature it. If it’s your waist, belt a long dress, or tuck your top into a long skirt. If it’s your ankles, put on a pair of beautiful strappy heels. If it’s your shoulders, wear something sleeveless or one-shouldered.
Don’t be too covered. Just like you might balance a short skirt with a long-sleeved top, you might balance a long, full skirt with a fitted, sleeveless top.
A bit of height never hurt anybody, so when you can, wear heels.
And now my confident buddies, be brave and go long.